Slow thoughts down. Slower. So slow I can see the soft plastic brain sputter. Hold it between my fingers. And then whack it like a ping-pong ball. Ssshhhhhoooooo. Exhale. 

Sex. Shhhh. 

Don’t discuss. Porn’s fine—underground. Romance novels okay. Pre-marital sex is acceptable. It’s merchandisable, you know. It’s lingerie and vibrators and lust. But, inside marriage, shhhh. The sacred walls of privacy silences details about who’s on top, for how long, with what techniques. Trip on acid to get outta your head? The married man’s guide to sex, masturbation and other taboo topics. I can feel m myself shutter. 

Women. Only reveal pregnancy after 12 weeks. Miscarry? Swallow silent shame. Do not speak of it. Bury everything. 

Rain is a rarity. Cancel class, my first thought. Too wet. Cold. 

Slow. Park the car. Walk to the grass. Sloppy with puddles. Hurhhhhh. Lie down. Breathe in the rain. Breathe in the falling. White noise is only noise if you’re not listening. 

Two more things on the to-buy list. My Marmot rain coat is no longer water proof. Also, sans dreads, I can finally wear a helmet on my bike. Bern, I think. 

While walking the dog in the pre-dawn dark. Does you ever feel like the most important thing is still yet to come? 

I’m a momless dad. Statistics say 50% of us resent our mother-in-law’s relationship with our child. Why? I’m trying to think of an analogy. What it’s like to live without a mom. There is no analogy. Maybe that’s the point.

Last night I drove to the sushi place by Walmart and the dance studio even further out. Picking up money for business sponsorship of the LOCAL t-shirt I’m designing. KaiThai and The Vibe, respectively. It was 4 something and the dark was inky puddles flickering Bic lighter headlights. The lady at KaiThai smiled and then shook her head. Said last time she gave money, person made off with it. Never saw shirt. Money wasted. I shook my head too and told her I’d be back in two weeks with the shirt. To show her. I looked her right in the eye and hoped she knew I wasn’t going to fuck her over. My phone was dead. So I couldn’t show her a picture. But I looked her in the eye and gave her my word. 

The Vibe front desk lady said wait one second. Came back with the two owners, Elizabeth and Christy. Shook my hand. I never met either before, not officially. Only on Facebook, you know. They handed me a white envelope and smiled and said we just wanted to meet you. Thanks so much for thinking of us, they said. Smiling like the dancing lit their inner Olympic torch. The warmth melted my frost. I suppose I smiled too. Whhhhhhoooooo. Exhale. 

I am humbled. Sometimes people are medicine. A first-time confession for me. 

Driving home, the red light was blurry. Thought twice whether it was a tear that came from my eye. Or if rain just splattered my glasses. Rain, definitely. I haven’t expelled tears in months. 

Everybody looks extraordinary on Facebook and ordinary in real life. 

At Ryal’s Bakery, I went with the pecan pie and the chocolate chip cookies.

Kate decided not to get the IUD. A unanimous marital decision. 

A college student student volunteered for the social media sorceress position. Why, I asked. She said honesty is refreshing. 

It really is on us. I think you have to help yourself. It’s scary because then they’ll know. They. Once you say the buck naked thing in your head. The big ominous they. But off of Facebook, everyone is ordinary. So when you admit your junk, then yes they know, but after they know it’s not that scary. It just is. And then people tell you it’s refreshing. Ironic isn’t it? Part of it is we profit on other people’s pain. Myself included. 

Almost time for yoga. 

The other morning I was listening to NPR and they talked about this life hack. Are you in a mediocre relationship or feel mediocre about your relationship? Try positive association. Look at pictures of puppies and cute things and then interact with your partner. You’ll change brain circuitry. Associate them with positivity. 

Time for yoga.