40 minutes after EllieRoo was born she couldn’t get her temperature up. Not even on Kate’s chest. Still 96 something. The nurse moved her under a heat lamp.

At times, Kate and I tight jaw through icy arguments. Can’t generate marital warmth. Early marriage, we went to a therapist. Gradually got better. Still we have regular temperature fluctuations.

At Nationals, Kate’s GMC soccer girls are red-hot with love. I mean warmth. Even chin to chest, fingers to Phone, smiling at SnapChat, Bubbling snapping laughing energy. Their parents are following the bus, a line of cars with Bulldog decals. To the fields. To Olive Garden. To the hotel. Generations pass. Youth center stage. They really are leaders. 18 years old. Some 19. As a dad now I see that. I look at these college kids differently. As someone else’s children. I just see warmth.

The girls luuuuuuv Ellie. A defender’s dad was worried. Said to make sure they see Ellie crying. He wants grandchildren, he said. But not now. Not for a while. I told Kate. She laughed. They don’t want kids now, she said.

Season’s over. I’m going to miss the team. A family. Dysfunctional at times. But aren’t all families? All people? Why do I feel so much warm ocean water love for a team I barely know?

Part of it is my mom. Heart attacked her. Died six days after her 50th birthday. My warmth blown out. I seek, see, search warmth elsewhere.

These college kids. Cleats. Beats headphones.

How much money does it cost to raise a kid? All of it. It costs all of your money. If you have money in your pocket, it costs that much. A game t-shirt. A car. A college education. A concessions cookie. Yes but kids are furnaces, pushing out life. Hormones, neurodevelopment. Warmth.

Costs all your love. But gives back more.

We mistakenly regard ourselves as solid objects moving through changing world. But I’m like a three cheese lasagna. Layers melting into layers. We are porous. Effected by and effecting the bodies around us.

Some say the present is a gift. My four month old. Holds me by the wrist, pulling me away from yesterday. Mini-fingers wrap around my pinky. I feel warm.

#dad #amwriting #diary #love