Two sided coin. Today, I mean. Life too. Contradiction, irony, paradox.

Take today. In some ways nothing happened. Drove to Atlanta suburb. Thai Massage training. Bought two organic bananas at Publix. Sipped tea. Unzipped hoodie. Made Facebook friends. Charged iPhone.

In some ways everything happened. Another human pressed, bent, squeezed, kneed and elbowed my stiff body into ahhhh. Momentary fleeting orgasm-like realization. Every second leaves a fingerprint on our facia. Stress. Boredom. Overuse. Fear.

No that’s not right. I mean that’s not the realization. Deep breath in. Exhaaaaaaale.

The realization is that. Oh god here comes cliche. We’re all connected. Or, more precisely. If you think positive thoughts about someone, they’ll be affected. This is quantum mechanics 101.

Tell a glass of water you love it. Then freeze it. The water crystallizes into this gorgeous geometric snowflake. Tell the glass you hate it. It’s an asymmetrical mess. Curious? I was. Google Water, Consciousness & Intent: Masaru Emoto.

Maybe the realization is simpler. And more me-based. I am a walking knot of mental and physical stress. Because I'm functional, I don’t even realize how much ugh I hold. (This was my problem as an alcoholic, too) And yet, simultaneously, I’m also a healing wizard. Lie down on the floor in front of me. Let’s dim the lights. Set the mood. Rub my hands together. 90 minutes later your body will be glowing.

So part of the post-massage realization is tension awareness. Examining my life, my routine: I teach yoga 5x/week. I start my two college English classes with five minutes of stretching. But I’m still tightly wound. Mentally, I mean.

This Instagram writer-artist named bymariandrew has over 600,000 followers. I messaged her and was like how’d you do it. And she said hard work. And I said yeah dope but hard work and advertising, rich uncle, what? And she was like lol no just hard work. And at first I was like yeah right because I do handwork and am still 599,500 followers short.

But now I’m like maybe she told herself she was good enough. Maybe she Sharpied LOVE on her bathroom mirror. And TRUTH on her coffee mug. Maybe she ratcheted up self-belief.

See what I’m saying? Ah. I’m still kind of faking it. Bullshitting is a deeply ingrained. Mandatory millennial survival skill.

Want to know what’s really up? I’m totally head over heels for Thai Massage training. It’s all about feeling rather thinking. Trusting intuition. You get it. And there’s a 10 day training in Thailand in January and so I’d miss two weeks of teaching English at Georgia Military College, which wouldn’t fly to well with the squares over there. And so cost benefit analysis. Spend 1500 to go to Thailand for ten days. Or teach for 11 weeks and make 3000? But thinking with your heart means the cost benefit analysis can’t be like that. Because how do you price lifestyle?

Next year, Kate says. When I haven’t already committed to a job. Errr.

Feels like today’s massage training session from 10am-5pm with an hour break for lunch blew something open in me. Doesn’t make for profound writing maybe but hey. Sometimes god speaks through confusion.

I’ve gotten the feedback that people want to hear more about the baby. So I try to do that. And Kate and I have had the talk about why I shouldn’t discuss psychedelics openly given that they’re illegal. So I avoid them. Which makes the diary a lie because if it were 100% diary I could talk about what I wanted and not take feedback from anyone because its just for me. Maybe you like stylistically chic daily posts. A dash of family or personal drama. A bit of angst. Maybe if I were to unfasten the seatbelt and put pedal to metal you’d unsubscribe. Errr. And yet I want people to read. Errr.

This is the classic Into The Wild eulogy for culture and the herd and social restraints. “Society man! Society!” But this is also you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

The Alt Dad Diary, the Thailand dilemma, heart-more-than-head living are inseparable mixtures of boon and bane. Opportunity and restriction.

For example, this guy at the vet who never took his eyes off his phone said that dogs are good for babies’ immune systems, even when their in the womb. But dogs are also bad for the production of babies, because they see all the love happening on the bed and want to get involved, nuzzle right in there.

With the dog named Life in the bed too, our house is howling like a locomotive train. And the engine is roaring toward a traffic crossing. Say hello to the Mapquest intersection of here and now, which Google Maps alternatively labels let go and become.

Om. I wish you peace. I wish you health. I wish you awakening to your true self. In this lifetime. Today. Now.

Chooo chooo.

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