maybe this is about losing a mom.

during the third quarter of the vikings game i left the living room and went to the bedroom of the house we rented from airbnb in st. augustine florida and i put in head phones and closed the door and spread my limbs on the floor like savasana and pressed play on my thai massage playlist and it was….

if you’re going to get any of this you have to take a deep breath right now and breathe it out and see if you can do it again a little deeper, then you can pull more of yourself inside yourself, that’s what i did

and i felt headache agony because i dont care about the vikings or the same five commercials and i know it’s engrained to care about a sports team and schedule your day around the tv screen and talk to the tv. i know it’s not wrong to care or bad just a cultural footprint but I think the culture or at least that dimension of it is unawakened and i know we’re awakening

i thought about myself and the facebook post id written a few minutes earlier and i felt the suffering inside myself and i felt that arrow in my side and that i felt another arrow in my side because i thought i’m supposed to be a leader, some of my students read this, and people are looking up to me and the spirit lady who reads cards said I’m supposed to be a light but I’m just whining or at least i was in the facebook post.

and i thought about why I’m retreating to the bedroom in savasana with my headphones on doing holotropic breathing and i thought about mom and how i’m still all sorts of messed me up broken grieving and i felt the vibrations of the cheers from the room and the oohs when the vikings missed something and i felt the tv as bad energy as vibrations or the unawakened lower chakra vibrations maybe that’s a better description, they’re just lower chakra like really tribal ape instincts and i felt my mom as a hole in me, like anyone who’s lost their mom is irrepairable and broken and so some of us are walking around as broken entities and those with their moms are not broken, their more full, at least in that way.

and i thought wow children have this special divine biological connection to their moms, because we came from them, i felt that intimately. 

and i thought and thought and with the breathing and the music, i couldn’t hear anything except geometric vibrations which were visible in my outer space inner head space and i thought that i’m the cause of my own inner suffering and that suffering is a choice, because as i exhaled i felt the gripping tension along my chest let go, when i thought about suffering being a choice, like i’d been holding the front of my body, my face, my heart, without knowing it and that i could just lay here and release and didn’t need alcohol, maybe i need plant medicine, but maybe not, maybe you could get this just by breathing, that maybe all the anxiety i hold is just lack of teaching on how to release, and maybe now i know the teaching is deep breathing, i bet you’re thinking this is hippie hogwash, but I’m telling you. 

and lying there i held my breathe for three minutes, not because i was trying or fitbit breath counting, just because it happened, and i had hallucinations like they say you do on lsd or mushrooms, and i felt things. i saw my thoughts and felt them as vibrations and there was very little difference between thoughts and feelings and images in my black head screen and i thought i should write and tell you but then i thought about how this departs from the herd idea of thanksgiving and tvs and shopping and killing animals to eat them and how we engage with ourselves and others and i thought that this is so much deeper this is so much more important. 

on a lighter note, i realized i should ask all my thai massage clients to take deep breaths before i do any work because it really is a psychedelic. it really puts you in the headspace and i should also play my music louder because it totally sets the mood, it can transport you from fox football commercials into something really radiant and beautiful. 

#amwriting #altdad #thanksgiving #awakening # football

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