i asked my sister about psychedelics. she said why do you need to alter your consciousness. i said everything we do is a means of altering consciousness. we drink coffee in the morning for the caffeine buzz. we play the talking heads on the walk to work for the neurosynaptic pleasantry. midwalk, we grab our ankle to stretch our quad because lengthened muscle fiber creates a more hospitable cognitive state. and on and on. down to the clothes, tattoos, jewelry we wear. the fitness activities or tv shows we de-stress with. broadly speaking, it’s all consciousness alteration. all drugs.

sooooo i said. let’s not talk about good and bad. let’s elevate to whys and hows and particulars.

I’m a semi-sober former alcoholic which means i’m an alcoholic in recovery or walking on thin ice or re-evolving my software or maybe fully recovered or all of the above in bits and pieces that don’t fit together like a puzzle but like a mosaic that may or may not sell at an art show and if it does it’s probably another semi sober millennial who’s buying it because they see themselves in the mosaic.

i’ve been thinking about my quote heart chakra and suspending my disbelief in new age hippie mumbo jumbo and i feel like i’ve been feeling more.

and i’ve been thinking about my former life as a drunk. and my current interest in psychoactive plant medicine.

the drunk has an upper hand in letting loose, breaking out of fear and inhibition. the drunk gets this freedom at the expense of sensitivity to subtle energy. you get kind of numb, and dumb, in a certain way. but you dissolve fear. you feel a certain fire and invincibility.

the psychonaut has an upper hand in sensitivity to subtle energy. mood gets amplified into visible colors. the tripper gets this doorway into perception. the price of this awakening is the admission that the journey wasn’t self induced. that the rocket mind needs rocket fuel that it can’t self-produce.

when i say let’s not talk about good and bad, i mean we should evolve past tribal ape us v them thought modalities. so we need not say drugs are bad. or booze is bad. or whatever. we can speak super specifically about exactly what we mean.

one morning my thai massage teacher said intention matters as much or more than technique. he had us put our hands on our heart. then imagine someone we love dearly. this is the feeling we should call to mind when we massage someone, he said. loving kindness. he said you can practice in meditation. conjure the feeling and then hold the feeling while you think of yourself, or any other person. intention more than technique.

i’ve been practicing. thanksgiving is prime time. claustrophobic family dead bird black friday too many cooks new baby anxiety rain ahhhhh. but i’ve been imagining that my mind can work magic and that i can project love.

this will sound trippy, but have you heard of the rice experiment? three mason jars full of cooked white rice. one says love. one says hate. one says nothing. for thirty days, you say love to the one that say love, hate to the one that says hate, and you ignore the one that says nothing. thirty days later, mold massacres the hate, and the white rice is still clean and flourishing. intentions create vibrations.

on a quantum level, everything is vibrations.

i mention being drunk and tripping. and good and bad. part of me wants to think being drunk is bad. typically its so unreflective. and tripping is good. it’s so mind-oriented, so wisdom seeking. but they’re just different tools. different doors.

it’s trippy because if you look in the mirror long enough with heart chakra mind even definitive bad like someone who baseball bats down your mailbox can be bent into cry for attention which is loneliness which is pain and then it’s easier to push loving vibes onto them. which isn’t really them at all. it’s just the area in your brain that codes for them. it’s all inside.

outer space is inner space. what i mean is this.

i think the really trippy part is when you begin to feel that you are the house containing all these doors, and therefore you have the key to all the doors. and therefore the elixir to anxiety and fear and depression is within you. and all you need to do is put your hands on your heart and love.

i think it’s less trippy and more possibility because i’ve been trying to pick these damn locks for the last five months and finally i’m making some progress because i’ve stopped picking and put my hands on my heart and then the dmt flood of warmth lava rolls over whatever is troubling me. and i don’t need the dmt. i’ve become the dmt or remembered the part in my brain the codes for dmt.

the light in me sees and honors the light in you. namaste.

#altdad #amwriting #love #vibrations #diary #self

If these posts nourish you, support me on Patreon at patreon.com/altdaddiary.