i woke up with a pull-out couch no-pillow kink in my neck. two ibuprofen, sister-in-law massage, boiling hot shower, nap. still no neck mobility.

so i didn’t go with everybody to historic downtown. instead i scrolled through creative writing teacher jobs in minnesota and found nothing so i scrolled creative writer jobs and then alternative school job and then i searched all jobs and then i just stared.

there’s this beautiful om in the moment you give up. i saw the unwelcome answer staring back at me. do you, ryan. do you. stop looking when you already know.

all the jobs are choked out with application requirements and minimum qualifications and tasks broken down into percent of day and they’re all cages or at best you could justify and say they’re starting points, places to gather experience and get to know people, but that’s just deflation and compromise and stifled potential talking.

i want to fly. write for a living.

how many wings didn’t work before the wright brothers flew? how many writers give up on themselves?

this guy says if i subscribe to his email list he’ll show me how to become a full time freelance writer. and never have to work for the man again. the website has guarantees and product reviews that it’s all free and no credit card.

agh.

ellieroo dooped through her disposable diaper last night and dark brown spotted the bed and kate’s clothes and then smiled as kate traipsed to the shower, and the giggled as i squirted burts bees baby soap on her buck naked baby body. not a damn care in the world.

while the ghirardelli brownies were baking, i walked the dog to the edge of the street where all the cars drive real fast even though the speed limit is only 40 mph. neck still won’t move without nerve forest fire on my right side.

what’s the difference between insanity and inspiration?

i don’t know. i don’t have any of the answers.

i’m just a dude leaning to the left because my neck hurts and I’m listening to angus and julia stone because game of thrones in on tv and i’m tired of tv and people just staring at it like a dead army but it's okay.

love you all.

#altdiary #amwriting #vacation #determination #diary

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