last night. raining cats and dogs and baby boots.
atlanta “snowstorm” ravaged my thai massage class plans of being absent during a kate’s girls weekend, which meant yesterday afternoon anxiety wtf am I gonna do with these women and kids and dogs and it’s raining jesusss?
i know, i'm a colossal curmudgeon.
this morning. the 7am lady i massaged said i think our mind is the devil and our heart is god. i said mmmmm. she said the challenge is to stay present, because the mind only lives in the past and the future. the heart lives in the present.
stay present, stay present, stay pres—gotta write NOW on my watch
last night, the devil in me looked at my watch and was like it’s 7:37pm which means time for bed, because that’s what we’ve done in the past, and that’s habit and i’m a creature of habit, and it’s a friday night, which means i’ve been up for 14 hours and 37 minutes 5 days in a row and i had the baby all day today when mom was at work and come on….but the kids and the dogs are like party like it’s 1995. the house is a roller derby. time for bed, i say. time for bed. my mouth wired tight like sixth grade orthodontics. with the lights off, finally, kate said i acted like a four year old.
and i’m like whaaatttt….dogs howling, muddy paws, kids with headlamps, screaming like whitney houston with laryngitis…i’m the four year old? kate’s like ry, THEY'RE KIDS. that’s what kids do. and i’m like well that’s fine, but i’m a tired adult and tired adults get to go to bed at 7:37pm like they always do. i’m sure you can predict the success of this particular no-lights-on conversation.
before i fell asleep, i was future fretting: how many days are we going home for? living with my mother-in-law? oh my jesus of bloody nazareth….
i throw a lot of folks under the bus in my diary. at least that’s how it may seem. but honestly, my intention is to save everyone else and just pull the towel off my naked carcas and show my buck naked headspace—in all it’s anxious 4-year-old glory.
my mother-in-law is one of the most hospitable women i've met. kate's an apple that falls right from this tree. and the traveling mom and clan of kids visiting us are hooligans exemplar for how kate and i want to live—offgrid, wild, alternative, outdoors, experimental, authentic. to all agrieved parties, consider this a sincere my bad.
this morning, in my 5am epiphany, i realized yessss i could certainly have been more patient with the visiting rugrats. kids are kids, homie. and yessss, i’m sometimes a selfish bastard who thinks only about himself and not about the fact that this family of travelers thought highly enough of us to visit, to stop the van and spend the night, or several nights, and that this family is a conglomeration of people really important to kate and that i should take my narcissistic skull out of my bean bloated butt for seven seconds to consider the world from someone else’s mouse slippers.
i confess to the world writ large. and apologize for my shortcomings, however grave and grueling. i’m in the process of shedding so many layers of gunk.
they say cats have nine lives. i don’t know about that but i think everytime i throw myself under the bus i feel a little lighter, a little less bolted down by my own inner bullshit drama.
tonight i’ll be wearing my patience hat until 9pm. that’s the goal.
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