….cube, BOX, prism without a phone, where mind can wonder unplugged unconnected to podcast or Facebook or message or weather app and my mind thinks woah. I think woah the water is hot and woah it feels good and I think about how my list of things I need to be better at that’s written on the whiteboard from Walmart is getting longer and longer. It started with wash dishes thoroughly and then it was clean house on saturday and then it was something else i can’t remember and then it was..oh yeah don’t recycle glass, and then it was don’t react defensively, just tell kate, I feel defensive here, and now after today it’s remember not to act defensively, announce first and then don’t mumble insulting shit after the conversation hits the fan and becomes conflict and also don’t leave the room.
I’m in the shower and I’m pulling my hair out, not like anger, just like woah it’s finally growing and I think that I want to quit the Alt Dad Diary because I know I’m not adding value to anyone’s life and I know what I’m saying amounts to nothing but I can’t stop, I can’t give up, I’ve never been a quitter, and I just have to push through this bout of self doubt, I feel hunger inside my stomach, except this isn’t about stomach or soul, this is about style, but style is an invitation for an existential crisis or drowning if you’re a beginning artist and I feel like my mouth is full of salt water from the Atlantic Ocean and all I taste is kelp and rust and wave after wave of blue and black and I know none of this makes any sense but it’s real.
The shower is the only safe space and I think I can write a book about the wolf that came to visit me and how it wasn’t a hallucination but it was real even though I never saw wolf, or never cried, I felt him.
And I think Kate’s right I need to start listening, we talked about this at dinner how I went to a shrink for alcoholism in 2010 but it took until 2014 for me to decide to stop drinking, and how writing people have been saying I need to read more and revise for the last 3 years of this MFA program, but I don’t hear them, there’s so much noise in the world it’s impossible to listen, to really hear anything, we’re so fucking stimulated all the time phone podcast Facebook friends message email groupie teaching the car costs 1800.
The car bill was $1800. What? Ball bearings or something. Kate took care of it. I said let’s just get the oil change and $1800 later here we are. But life costs money you know. Does it ever but what does it matter. There’s this great teacher in these $1800 swallow a brick moments. That’s what I shower think and steam my back and I can feel the water heater failing and losing grip and I can feel the cold coming and a part of me was like fuck so I turned the hot knob more to the left but it wnn’t go anymore to the left and then the cold comes and I feel the sting of $1800 $1800 $1800 $1800 $1800 $1800 $1800 $1800 $1800 and I’m like yeah the teacher is it’s just money, it’s just a car, it’s just an illusion, but I don’t think of the word illusion, but I have that shrug feeling that meant illusion before the cavemen or cavewomen created the word illusion and then the cold water comes more and i’m like fuck yeah bring the cold water, let’s do it, let’s face each other head to head, I am Jacob wrestling the damn angel, I feel it so strongly.