I have so much shit to work on. I think we all do. 

I’m developing this theory that humans are like amplifiers. We make inner noise louder—especially the bad stuff. We don’t cork our anxiety or cage anger. The anger becomes an elephant and stomps around the fragile lamps and aunts and feelings in our lives. The elephant breaks stuff because it’s an elephant and we’ve allowed our anger our fear to become big big big big. 

This is the case for me. 

I bet meditation or focus focus focus focus slow slow slow is the only way to slow down the elephant and microscope ten-ton thoughts. This is what the body does with bad cells during Time Restricted Eating. I can sort of feel it. Like the junk cells are being inventoried and eaten—a process biologists called autophagy. 

What about fear? My fear, which I’ve written about ad nauseam, has something to do with EllieRoo in the hands of other “parent” figures like eager baby baby baby extended family. The two part question is 1) why is this a fear? and 2) how do I dismantle it’s parts or inhibit it’s growth?

The Cherokee say we all have a war going on inside us. The wolves, they say. The good and the bad. Which one wins? Whichever one we feed, they say. 

So how do you starve anxiety and fear? I swam in the 60-degree water off the coast of St. Simon’s Island this week with my dad. On Friday, on Saturday, and Sunday. He would say Cold Water Swimming cures all. The water was definitely an ice-pick to the brain. And it turned my fingers white—the blood fled from secondary extremities to protect my vitals. But the inner wicked wolf is still prowling. 

I think the answer is something that resembles prayer. I know, I loathe religious spattle too. By prayer I mean intense introspection with a mentality of universe-give-me-strength. My mom used to say this all the time. “God give me strength.” I don’t and didn’t take her as literally asking for god’s help, maybe she was. I think God is a proxy for that which is beyond our control. And I think for me, I’ve been working through this for months and it’s not getting any easier, any more tangible. And I’ve been banging my head as a stubborn problem-solver and logician but getting nowhere. The wall is still there. Maybe the ocean is the teacher. I’m bigger than you. I’m so much bigger than you. Maybe I need to surrender to the wave, the cold, the tide, the salt, the buoyancy, the jellyfish.