The thing about marathon training and time-restricted eating and no dairy and maybe I should make a smoothie with collagen and spinach and goat’s milk is that it’s like okay so I can’t get a job or haven’t gotten a job yet even though I’m qualified and so instead of worrying about money and money and money I am going to perfect what I can control which is my body and my legs and my muscles and my lungs and I’m going to do holotropic breathing and dynamic stretching and foam rolling and I’m going to wake up and run and I’m going to study my breath and wrap my fingers between my toes to ensure an active foot and I’m doing all this as a coping mechanism. 

I’m doing all this as a coping mechanism. 

I’m studying best GPS watches on the market except I’m not looking at 2018 or 2017 or 2016. I’m looking at 2015 because that seems far enough in the past that stuff is cheap to buy on Amazon or eBay and not unruly expensive. Things are so unruly expensive and the jobs pay so little and the ones that don’t pay so little require your arm and leg and they require you to give your brain which is your head which is your heart and soul and space and fuck that I’m not interested, I’d rather not, and run instead or swim. I’m ranting. 

I’m doing all this as a coping mechanism. 

I met with a student today at the coffeeshop and we wrote together separately, alone together, you know that paradox, it’s the gist of social media and the post modern landscape of living in a world where people maybe you did or didn’t elect are rigging oil elections and incarcerating your medicine and taxing the wrong things. It doesn’t make any sense. My mentor says slow down Ryan and explain yourself in your writing. 

I’m doing all this as a coping mechanism. 

Do 30 burpees as a dynamic warm up. Run easy for a mile. Glide. Focus on your feet and soft touch. Then stride 100m, which means open up, but still no tension in the hamstrings Do this 6 times. The dog is confused because I’m running back and forth. Then reset the app on the phone. Does anybody have a watch that tracks current pace? Can I have it, I’ll trade you massage. Then run a mile at marathon race pace which is 7:26 I think. The sun is rising and it’s pink and I’m wearing cotton boxers which is a mistake and these Nike Free’s Flyknit are too tight and they’re restricting movement in my toes and they really do fit like a sock but it’s too tight a sock and I’m going to have to return them on eBay which means I’m wasting some money, but I’m committed to running and training and mind over matter, because the matter is that when I called the Catholic School where I applied to work just to follow up and say hey I know I applied only two days ago but I’m just calling to express my eagerness and enthusiasm for the position. I actually said that. I said eagerness and enthusiasm of the position. And then the lady on the other end of the phone lit up and I blew out my own candle because I heard how fake I sounded. 

I’m doing all this as a coping mechanism. 

Tomorrow is a 40-55 minute run and Kate works all day at the coffeeshop so maybe we’ll run together after she works, which is tricky though because that’s the baby’s breastfeeding time and then we need to eat soon because Time Restricted Eating means we stop eating at 6pm, but maybe because it’s Friday we’ll make an exception and have a pizza with pepperoni. Mmm. 

You’ve got to repeat your themes, they say. Which is I’m doing this as a coping mechanism. Do I get a second cup of coffee even though I’ve been thinking all week that it gives me this jumpy jittery kind of energy?