Dear Mom,


1. I’m sorry I didn’t want to take pictures before my high school graduation and was an asshole and made you cry. I still think about it.


2. I’m thinking about writing a book called “WHY I RAISED MY DAUGHTER LIKE AN AMISH KID” because we take EllieRoo to the beach in a full body UV suit and I listen to podcasts on how cell phone radiation is carcinogenic and how we should all at least be wearing EMF-free underwear.


3. I called Grandma today and she said she was happy to hear from me and I was happy to her too because she sounds like you but also best because she’s before you and still you.


4. I did my long run today which means I ran 9 miles after doing 10x300meter hills and when I got home my left heel was numb and tingly so I googled it and it’s a surefire sign of plantar fascitis which blows because I have a numb heel but I guess it’s life, there’s always something, so know I am standing on the mallet end of a hammer, pressing pressure points, and I rolled my calves out with the calf roller and I applied and rubbed and pressed and circled my toes and ankles with olive oil and turmeric oil which is supposed to help with inflammation and I googled more exercises and I looked on Amazon for these fascia blaster products and everything will come together. And if it doesn’t, I’ll switch sports and get obsessed with something else. And it’ll go on like this for a very long time.


5. How are you? How is your garden? What are you growing? Why were you fascinated by flowers instead of vegetables? Flowers seem so impractical, no?


6. Grandma said, at the end of our conversation, I love you very much Ryan and I said I love you too Grandma. You know I would have called you today mom and said those words, or maybe I would have lived close enough to see you, and I could have looked you in the eyes and said those words. I wonder if you know I’m writing this now. I very much hope so.


7. You would really like EllieRoo. She’s a hoot, watching her scoot her naked bum across the floor, and those blue eyes, and the way she pees in clear little puddles.


8. I’m training for a marathon because it’s important to set goals, to keep moving, to have something ahead to keep getting out of bed.


9. If you were alive I would ask you if you wanted to start a business together. An urban farming venture of some kind. I wouldn’t ask because I needed money. I’d ask because I think it would be something cool that we could do together and because you’re maybe the only person more type A than me, so we could do graphs and spreadsheets and plans and we could execute, execute, execute. I’ve never worked well with others in group projects or business ventures or art expeditions but I bet I could work with you because you taught me to do lists and I’m all about to do lists and organize organize organize. We could grow mushrooms. We could also grow cannabis and use it for CBD oil which is legal. We’d probably disagree about the risks and rewards of growing cannabis for non-CBD purposes so I’ll let that go. While I’m ahead of the game, as you would say.


10. I really think you did a fucking fantastic job as a mother. I don’t know if I’ve ever said that to you. But you really were stand out. I think Kate is doing a fucking fantastic job, and I have a different perspective, a more WOW I”M HERE perspective, but I was there for you too, just in a different way. It’s rare resisting shipping your kids off to day care, even though a lot of good people to that, I can’t understand why people would have kids just to ship them off to day care, it seems odd to me, but that’s just me, and you never did that, and you gave a damn about us through and through, probably too much, and I get that too, and I also get that a parent really can’t care too much, even though I see the dangers of me caring too much and getting so hyper protective that it stresses me and everyone else out.


11. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t believe in God or heaven or hell or bullshit like that but I really do hope that in some way shape or form I can meet and talk to you again. I fucking hope that maybe more than anything else on this goddamn planet.