Pulling up, standing, but not yet walking

Yesterday, my diploma came in the mail. I skipped the graduation ceremony. You had to pay like $200 for the gown and associated fees. Not happening. I had it mailed to my mother-in-law’s house. She gave it to me last night. We had brats for dinner. Beer and onion brats from the coop. Mmmm my god. It’s almost 100 degrees here. Hotter in Minnesota than Georgia. Oh the irony. Of not being able to outrun fate.


I went swimming in Lake Harriet with my father today. My oh fucking my. How the cold creeps up on you. Must come from deep within the lake. Like the water molecules favor and therefore remember the ice and cold and slow chill of winter. My father called the water tepid. To describe her warmth. Tepid my ass. The lesson is nature is medicine. The universe provides. If you’re suffering, you need suffering. Some might say. Others might counter: the universe isn’t an intelligent entity. If you’re suffering, then you’re just suffering. There may be no grandiose purpose floating behind your frozen fucking fingers, trapping through summer lake water, lactic shoulders slap slap slapping for forward progress. Drown me dammit. Eyes open squint through sun. Eyes close I want sleep dammit. I’m so tired from moving.


Every time I get close to nature, through lake swimming or plant medicine, SHE YELLS SLOW THE FUCK DOWN YOU STUPID PRICK. But of course mother nature never raises her voice. She strangles you. Grabs core body temp and pulls down. Demands you shift body resources from brain think overanalyze think think think to KEEP THE GODDAMN ORGANS ALIVE.


I am sitting on a red couch from my father-in-law’s storage unit. My feet are up on a coffee table from my father-in-law’s storage unit. Our DNA is not our own. We are all our father’s sons and mother’s daughters. And they theirs.


My grandmother is turning 93. My dad’s wife says she was born in 1925. I do the math. My dad’s sisters are shipping her from upstate NY to TX. Where old people homes are cheaper. I am not close with my grandmother. She talked shit about my mom. And she talked shit about me. Said my mom was never religious enough. Said I was never religious enough. Scowled at my skin. My allocation of time and resources. You mustn’t scowl at your grandchildren’s skin. Or their mothers. You foolish woman. And now she is old and her mother nature is taking her memories and her grip on reality and she thinks shit that isn’t real like my dad is in federal prison or out on parole, but very thin parole. Needless to say I called her and asked her if I could come and get her car and she said yes. My dad warns me to hurry but mother nature keeps saying slow down you fucking fool.


Even as I type now, in agreement with mother nature, I still have a peck peck peck sense of hurry. Get this done so I can move onto the next thing. The coffee is in the freezer. Cooling. I want ice coffee. The bread is on the stove cooling. Homemade sourdough. Fermented for three days. Added coarse sea salt, coconut oil, sunflower seeds, chia seeds and ground flax. Plopped in the muffin tins. I’m drinking from a mason jar which had ice cubes but they’ve melted. Now it’s just cloudy water with apple cider vinegar.


The dog is asleep to my right with a tennis ball an inch from his nose.


My brother-in-law was wearing Dickey’s shorts. They looked nice. Didn’t have frayed ends from cut-off operation like my own. I said aren’t they scratchy because I read online that Dickey’s pants were made from toxic plastic in China and fake fabric. He said not at all, best pair of shorts he owned.


I still have no job, but it’s okay. I believe the natural order of things and the intelligent universe will provide as long as I keep keeping on and keep talking to people and keep following my interests and loves, even if they change very drastically every three years, or in some cases two weeks.


What becomes of the current capitalist system in the US when we change our interests drastically? My brother-in-law’s partner said that women’s energies cycle with the moon and men’s energies cycle with the sun. What does this mean for the established work cycle of day-to-day.


Someone asked me why I don’t drink cow’s milk. And then they asked why I don’t drink pasteurized milk. And I didn’t have an answer other than the probiotic value of pasteurized milk is zero and that unpasteurized retains the life force. But what about getting sick from bad bacteria? And I didn’t have an answer but I will.


I think there’s so much truth to you are what you eat. And I really want to explain in simple but scientific terms the things I feel strongly about.


This whole move is a hammer. And it’s pounding patience into the iron hot metal that bonds me and Kate. It’s a good process. Hot, tired, surrounded by sleeping dogs, unpacked boxes, and BABY BABY BABY relatives. But it’s a wave, Ry. And all waves rise and fall, ebb and flow.


The irony is you create your own reality. It’s all projection. I hate when people say this hippie woo woo shit. But I wonder whether it’s true.