So rewinding to 4;59AM. Silver dark early morning swim. Arms lead heavy sore. Finally left my damn watch in the car, letting go of TImex obsession of FitBit quantifying every damn aspect of every day.
Bulky arms. Slap slap.
Are you sore because you did push ups for the first time in months yesterday? Or are you sore because the universe is trying to teach you to slow down, trot instead of thrash, and enjoy the damn swim around the lake instead of race race race?
Why are you sore? Pushups or universe? Or both? Physics or metaphysics?
I keep having waking dreams while swimming and regular dreams while sleeping about my grandma. She’s locked in an old folks home in Texas and apparently has been repeatedly found stripping herself of her Depends. The dreams take place in Grandma’s ole house in New York, where she lived until recently. Everyone else on the planet is gone and it’s just me and her. Or that’s what it feels like. In the dream, I’m more afraid of her than loathing, which is the inverse of how I feel now. In the dream I’m mostly afraid because I think her judgementalness and religiosity is a contagious disease, but also that her age is a disease I might catch. That’s all I remember because I’m relatively sleep deprived but also dreams fade. The point is I have a weird feeling that my grandma is going to die soon. And I don’t feel terrible about it. Probably because she’s said terrible things to me about me, and terrible things to my mom. Which is basically unforgivable. I know she’s old and I know she’s of another time and I know you should have compassion on the old and to a certain extent I do, I just don’t feel bad for her.
I’m going to become a lawyer. I’m going to start with expungements. I’m going to work for myself and the people.
Andrew Yang for President in 2020. I’m actually going to vote this time.
The banana muffins round one were a little dry so in the remaining batter I added honey and the no fat Greek yogurt from Aldi that’s ugh compared to full fat Fage. Bam! Better muffins.
No AM swimming tomorrow.